


Hitman

by Reneeyanceywriter



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anti-Hero, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:13:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21756604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reneeyanceywriter/pseuds/Reneeyanceywriter
Summary: Very different you guys. Jamie, ex-military sniper suffered from a traumatic incident. He becomes a hitman for hire. Will Claire be apply to reach through his hard shell?
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Frank Randall, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 124
Kudos: 175





	1. The Hitman

He sits on the roof of the Russian Embassy. He is as still as the death he will be delivering. Through the scope of his gun he watches the Russian ambassador in his room with a young woman. He would be shocked to find out she was even 18. 

The embassy is just outside Kensington Park in London. He stills his breathing, readjusts himself to make up for the breeze that was just picking up, and looks back through the sight. The man in the room approaches the lady. It will be the last thing he does on this earth. The shot finds it's mark and a blossom of blood appears on his forehead. 

The lady screams as the hitman disappears in the night.

He wakes the next morning and walks into his office near Westminster Abbey. He takes the lift up to the 12th floor. He is an editor of a publishing company. Taken a seat at his desk, he starts to read through the first manuscript. It is about time travel. The lady, the main character travels into another century and falls in love with a lad there. He places it to the side. It would never work, wouldn’t sell. He picks up the next. The day goes slowly by.

After work he walks down to the local to have a drink or two. He watches a game of rugby off to the side. His whole demeanor says keep away. He is alone and likes it that way.

At home, he logs into the website that offers his services. He is selective. He only kills men, no women and especially no children. He shudders at the thought. He doesn’t see himself as an evil man. Well, not that evil.

It began in the military. He was trained as a sniper. With eyes like an eagle’s, he can see miles away. This allows him to make near impossible kills. He can hit targets up to two miles away. It earns him the nickname, ghost. He killed whoever his government asked him to.

His career ended after accidentally shooting a child. He was lifted up as a shield and you can’t call a bullet back. He has tried in his dreams since. Broken he started drinking more and more. The military moved him to a hospital in Germany. After several months, he is sent home to Scotland.

Living with his parents, he finishes university. He starts to work in a publishing company. But that irretrievable bullet haunts his dreams. The urge to kill hasn’t left him. It seems you just can’t go from being a sniper and living a normal life. To kill those that deserve it, especially those that harm children.

So, he gets on the dark web. It is obscenely easy to set up an advent for a hit man for hire. The rules are simple: only man, never a woman or child. There also had to be a reason. So, began his double life.

James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, daytime editor, nighttime runner of the Thames, when he didn’t have a job. No woman nor man in his life. He looks through his emails from the dark web every night. He is selective in the jobs he takes. He deletes any that violate his rules, like the men who wish their wife’s dead.

He studies, with more interest one about a man in jail in America. A human trafficker who specialized in children. Yes, he needed to die. The person who wanted him dead was offer a million in bit coin. It is more then he usually charged but, he would do it. Looks like he is heading to America.

On the flight to New York, he read manuscripts and slept some. Just a business man to all who didn’t look to close to his haunted eyes. No one got that close. He makes plans. He will need to purchase a gun. He sure couldn’t carry one on an international flight and New York has very strong gun laws. 

He checks into his hotel and then heads to a gun shop in Times Square. He leaves with the rifle he needs after slipping a bit more then the asking price to the owner. It is a shame he can’t take it with him. He shrugs, such is the price of the job he does. Not to get to attached to people or things.

He spends the next 24 hours checking out the jail and it's surroundings. He has bullets that will penetrate walls and the next e-mail tells him where the pedo bastard was. The cell, the window, even pictures and diagrams. It will be an easy kill. That night, Ghost set up a mile away and took him out with one shot. ‘’For you Saleem.’’ He whispers as he pulls the trigger. He always says the name of the little boy he killed. It helps remind him why he is doing this. Job done as he watches him collapse.

The gun is at a pawn shop the next day, cleaned of any evidence of him. He got 300 dollars for it. Not bad. These yanks and their liberal gun laws made getting rid of his used guns easy.

He talks to a Boston author about his manuscript, the official reason for his trip, and is back on a flight to London. The bloke, a history professor’s book, wasn’t bad but not really good either. 

The next few weeks follow along the same line.


	2. Frank Randall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Frank really want with Jamie?

He is running along the Thames. The music thrumming through his earbuds is a mixture of disco and new age. He has found it the easiest to exercise to, with the rhythms. As he runs his mind drifts to his family, especially his sister. She is the reason he isn't in contact with his family. He speeds up as he recalls the last blowup.

‘Jamie, she is perfect for you. You need to marry, have bairn’s. You can’t continue to live in the war. It is over Jamie.’’

‘’It is never over! Ever! You don’t know me very well if you think that shrewish woman is in way, shape or form, my type!’’ The lass, a neighbor, was a horrid woman who had tried to control him and all others. But, in truth, she could have been the sweetest lass around, and he would have still rejected her. He didn’t need a lass, except for his baser needs. He knew where to find them for that. He paid them well to let him take them as a brute. He was then good for awhile.   
He pushes thoughts of his family away as he heads to the gym. After a punishing workout, he showers and heads to the office.

He reads more bad manuscripts. He picks up the Boston professor's again and gave it another look. The man, Frank Randall, had wrote of the history of Scotland in the aftermath of Culloden. It might work with a bit of a rewrite. The history of Bonnie Prince Charlie ( and may he sleep with the rats) Jamie, a good Scot, thinks, was still a sore spot in Scottish history.  
‘’So, did you like the book?’’the bloke asked when he rang him.

‘’It is a good start. Where did you get your research?’’

‘’Mostly from daries, oral history, and records found in the Paisley Abbey.’’

‘’My main concern is that it paints Scotland in a bad light in the aftermath of the Uprising. It doesn’t show the Redcoats for the brutes they were. Would you be willing to do more research?’’

‘’Yes I would.’’

After his day job, he returns home and checks his dark web e-mail. He finds another e-mail from the states. A bloke wanting his business partner killed for stealing from the company. The price is right and he needed to be in Boston to talk with Randall about his book. It is easier when he can combine both.

It was strange. In America, where there is a gun on every corner, they still call on him to do their dirty work. He could be long retired if he lived in the US. He e-mailed the person back and two days later has all he needs. Names, addresses, and phone numbers.

He is thorough and cautious. As he is double checking everything, he notices a issue. The address is the only thing that checks out. He does a check of the IP address and it traces back to Frank Randall.

‘’What the bloody f*ck!’’ Why was the bloke lying to him? He continues to dig. He finds him married with several girlfriends. They are all over, with two in Boston, two in London. Two here in Scotland. His Facebook page leads to a private e-mail address. 

He discovers that he had promised one of his Scottish girlfriend's that he is days away from getting away from his wife. She, a good Catholic, at this point Jamie rolls his eyes, a good Catholic that was sleeping with a married man but, can't marry him if he is divorced. The hypocrisy is staggering. Especially since she is pregnant. 

The bloody bastard wanted him to kill his wife. No deal. But it can’t go unanswered. He considers himself a business man, a hard man but with a strict code. No women. No children.

He researched the bastard’s wife. He finds out she is a doctor in Boston, married at eighteen, ten years previously. Her only family being an uncle in Oxford. They have no children. He finds her picture. She is a beauty, with long legs and eyes the color of his favorite whisky. 

‘’You wanted my attention Randall. Well you have it.’’ He mumbles. He will find out all about Frank and his many mistresses over the next month. He was good and mad now. It isn't good to have a heartless hitman mad at you.


	3. The End of the Randalls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie administers justice.

They meet at Mistral Restaurant, a Southern French food restaurant. He had gotten used to such food while living with his uncle in France. He had thoroughly researched the Randall’s over the last month. What he found didn’t shock him. The whole family was corrupt. His parents run charities, to benefit children, that they were instead using to funnel drug money from their son's activities. As for Frank, besides attempting to hire him to kill his wife( unforgivable in itself) but he is also a thief and a cheat, plagiarizing others for his book.

This meeting was supposedly about his book but in reality, two things. He wishes to meet Mrs. Randall and then… well let’s just say Frank’s days are numbered. He stands when they approach. She is stunning in person, even when arguing with her husband.

‘’I am not sure why I am here.’’ She says after greeting Jamie.’’I have nothing to do with Frank's book.’’

‘’He wished to meet you dear.’’ The words are right but said through climbed teeth. She sighs as she takes the seat Jamie had pulled out for her after seeing Frank wasn’t going to. The men talk of the book for a bit. Jamie awaits the robo call he put in place to call Mrs. Randall back to the hospital. Finally..

‘’It is the hospital.’’ She explains. She stands to take it and they stands with her. 

‘’It is always the hospital. Can’t you?’’ her husband asks taking her arm. While he is distracted, Jamie pulls the vial of insulin out and pours it into his wine. 

‘’No Frank. It was nice to meet you Mr. Fraser.’’

‘’You too ma'am.’’ She hurries off and Frank sighs.

‘’She is always to busy at that hospital. That is why we haven't had time to start a family.’’

‘’But, you already have.,’’ Jamie thinks. He watches as the bloody bastard drinks the lethal wine. He will die of, what is presumed to be a heart attack, later that night. One down.

He heads back to Edinburgh the next day. The Randall’s have a house in the country. He stalks it out, making sure that they are both there. No, he doesn’t usually kill woman but, the elder Mrs. Randall is a special case. Pure evil. Using children to funnel drug money, no she must be taking out. 

He unlocks the back door, slipping in the sleeping house to make sure there are no children. Finding only the old people, he heads down to the basement, a bit of rearranging of wires, allowing them to overheat. Easy enough. Now for the sons.

The live in London and work with the Irish mob. Live by the sword, he thinks, as he becomes Ghost and takes them out. 

Now to finishing cleaning up what they dirtied. Overnight, the charities they had been stealing from, have their coffers refilled. Frank's pregnant mistress has a large sum in her bank account, enough to keep her and the baby for awhile. Mrs. Randall inherited for everyone so she is okay. Jamie will keep an eye on her for a bit, making sure Frank hadn’t set anything else up.


	4. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie goes to Lallybroch to visit his family.

After catching up on the work on both his jobs, he has an annual leave. He decided a trip to the Highlands was in order. It had been awhile since he had seen his parents, years actually. He feels bad about it but, with the situation with his sister, who he hopes not to see, well. Willie and his wife, Becky live in Inverness. His baby brother Robbie, is still in school. 

He pulls up to his family home, an auld working farm ( his parents work the best sheep and cattle farm in the Highlands). His mother runs out to meet him.

‘’My prodigal son, home at last.’’ She scolds as she hugs him. ‘’ Two years without seeing this face. I ken we talk on the phone but it isn't the same.’’

He feels a wave of guilt. By avoiding Jenny, he had hurt her. ‘’I am so sorry mam. I am here now for two weeks. I will do better and not let the bad blood between Janet and I keep me away.’’

His da is equally excited to see him but gives him the same lecture. 

‘’Da with work and all, I am sorry. Now tell me about the new whisky.’’ Lallybroch has a side business in spirit making. They discuss it as he follows his da in. After, he walks up to his old room to deposit his bags. I wee lad peaks around the door as he unpacks.

‘’Who are you?’’ he asks Jamie.

‘’Well little man, who are you?’’

‘’James Brian Murray.’’ He replies.

‘’James Fraser. I am pleased to meet you.’’ He tells his nephew.  
‘Are you my Uncle Jamie?’’ he asks stepping into the room.

‘’I am indeed.’’ He says while thinking, Jenny named her bairn after me. She mustn’t be to sore with me. He kneels down and meets his eyes.

‘’Uncle Jamie do wanna see the horses. Grandpa has new ones in the barn.’’

‘’I would love to. Where's your mam?’’

‘’Oh, she is with Auntie Becky. She is gonna have a new baby.’’

‘’Is she now?’’ Jamie had no idea that his brother was going to be a father again. He really had been disconnected. He takes the lad’s hand and they head to the stables.

For that first week, he gets to know his nephew and catches up with his parents.

‘’Robbie is doing well. Looking toward to coming home this summer.’’

‘’His grades staying up?’’

‘’They are.’’

‘’So Becky was quite surprised to find herself with bairn again and wee Clara being naught but six months old.’’ His mam is saying as he sits in the kitchen and watches her cook. He had offered to help but..

‘’I would think they know how bairns get started. This will be there fifth.’’

His mam laughs and he feels peace. He needs to come home more often. ‘’Ye would think so. Becky insist that Willie gets snipped. Oh, and Jenny is carrying again.’’

‘’Is she?’’ 

‘’Aye, a lassie this time. They will be here this weekend.’’

He tightens up. ‘’Mam, if you wish me to go..’’

She whirls around. ‘’Nae, it has been two years! Ye wilna be going. I ken that Jenny upset ye be trying to push Leery on ye. She was wrong tae do sae. But, to hold a grudge this long is nae healthy. Your family needs ye and ye need us.’’ He stands up and pulls his mam into his arms. He decides to do all he can to get along with her, for his mam and his own sake.

Brain Fraser is proactive, drawing his two children to his side as soon as Jenny and Ian arrive. 

‘’Now, your mam is sae happy to have you both here together. She will stay that way. Now Janet, it was wrong of you to get involved in your brother’s life. Jamie, you should have talked to your sister more instead of just reacting. You both shame me.’’

‘’But da.’’

‘’Janet, he didn’t like the lass. She still comes here looking for him.’’ Jamie looks at him. ‘’She does. Your mam and I assure her of your disinterest. She has a hard head.’’

‘’Well, if she comes around this week, I will make it clear.’’

‘’Aye son. She shouldn’t have embarrassed you but, you shouldn’t have yelled at her. You both have hard heads. But after two years, enough is enough.’’

‘’Janet, I am sorry I yelled.’’

‘’The lass is still coming around, you are right, I should have left well enough alone.’’ They hug, awkwardly due to her advanced pregnancy.

‘’I am honored you named your lad after me.’’

‘’Ian and I wanted him named after a strong man.’’

‘’He is a smart brawl laddie.’’

‘’Aye, he is.’’

After dinner, Jamie heads towards the peace of the stables. Ian joins him.

‘’I am sorry that we haven't talked much. It is just with Jenny.’’

Jamie laughs. ‘I ken, my brother. She can be a lot.’’ They both laugh until Leery hurries up to them. She throws her arms around a stunned Jamie.

‘’I knew ye would return for me.’’

He removes her clinging arms. ‘’Look lass, we went out once. We never even kissed. I don't like you. I should have never gone out with you. Leave me and my family alone! Leave my family's land and never return!’’ his voice raises to a shout by the end. She turns and runs, weeping. ‘’Christ!’’ he runs his hands through his hair. ‘’I hate to have had to do that.’’

‘’It was necessary and I think it worked.’’ Ian reassures him.

That night, as he had every night, he gets on his tablet and checks on the widow Randall. He had found out he had moved to London and is working at St. Thomas hospital. He doesn’t consider it stalking, just looking after Frank's victim.


	5. Keeping Her Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie runs into Claire and once again rescues her. But what is he feeling for her.

Months pass with not much happening. He isn't busy with either job. The holidays are always slow. He backs off checking on Claire, from weekly to monthly, until he stops all together. She is safe. 

As Christmas nears, he is running in his favorite spot, along the Thames River. It is lit up with Christmas lights from the shops. A festive backdrop to his pounding feet and the beat of the music in his ears. As he approaches the London Eye, he stops to change the song and sees Claire, arguing with a man. 

He walks a bit closer. The sit at an outdoor table. Seems the lad wants more then the lass is wiling to give.

‘’I am leaving Steven. This date is over.’’

‘’Don’t be like that Claire. I just want a kiss.’’ He moves towards her. Jamie had heard enough. He walks up to the table.

‘’Mrs. Randall, I am no sure if you remember me, James Fraser,’’ a small bow, ‘’May I be of assistance.’’

‘’Mr. Fraser, of course. Just trying to persuade Mr. Bonnet here this date is over.’’

‘’Seems she has made it clear. It is time to move on lad.’’ Said calmly but with an edge the lad is to gone with drink to notice.

‘’Not your concern.’’ He says, and then the drunk fool moves back towards Claire. A sigh, a lift and throw, and Steven Bonnet finds himself in the Thames. Jamie explains to the responding constable( and where were they a moment previous?) what happened.

‘’He needed his jets cooled. Figured the Thames worked well for that.’’ He explains to Claire and the constable. They fetch him out as he offers Claire his arm and an escort home.

‘’I thank you Mr. Fraser. It was an extreme way to handle it but worked.’’ 

‘’Aye Mrs. Randall, I doubt he would have listened to reason.’’

‘’Me too and please, I am not Mrs. Randall. My husband passed, I am just plain Miss Claire Beauchamp now. Or just Claire.’’

‘’Not plain.’’ His heart responds shocking him. He takes a deep breath. ‘’Claire, I am Jamie. I am sorry about your husband. I dinna ken. Sent e-mails and tried to call a few times.’’ He smoothly lies as they start out. ‘’What happened?,’’

‘’A heart attack. It was strange. His parents perished in a fire and his brothers, well they weren’t on the right side of the law and were shot. A drug deal gone wrong, the police assume. All in the same week.’’

‘’Sorry. Your entire family..’’

‘’Frank's family. We weren’t close.’’ She shivers and Jamie stops and places the jacket he had tied around his waist over her shoulders. ‘’Thank you Jamie. ‘’ They walk in silence for a bit. He is very aware of her arm and hip close to him. 

‘’This is me. My husband left me a lot of money.’’ They stand in front of a two bedroom house, ‘’ I know it is a bit big for just me. Would you like to come in for a coffee, tea, or something stronger?’’

He really wanted to. Wanted well..but she is nae whore but a true lady and what she is making him feel scared him. ‘’No but I thank you lass. I must get home. Work in the morning.’’

‘’Of course. Thank you for your help with Mr. Bonnet and for walking me home.’’ She hands him back his jacket. When their hand touch, a shock goes through him. He takes it with a nod. He starts to turn and she touches his arm. Another shock, this one stronger. It speeds his heart and hardens his cock. He is glad it is dark and she can’t see. ‘Do you still have Frank's book. I would like it back.’’

He swallows hard, praying his voice doesn’t give him away. ‘’Aye Claire. I can have it sent to you if you wish.’’  
‘’That would be wonderful. ‘’ she gives his arm a pat. ‘’Well good night Jamie.’  
’  
‘’Good night Claire.’’ He watches her enter the brownstone before taken off in a jog. When he gets out of the sight of her house he stops and places his hands on his thighs, struggling to catch his breath. It isn't the exercise. It is her, Claire. He dinna ken what was happening but he doesn’t like it. He puts his jacket on and runs home with her scent surrounding him.

He showers and falls into bed. He usually sleeps like a baby but that night he tosses and turns. It isn't the kills that keep him awake but her. Claire. Sorcha. He eventually gets upon and takes a few shots of his families whisky. He is finally able to sleep,


	6. A Date?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few dates. Now What?

The next morning, he exits the lift to find Claire sitting in his waiting room.

‘’Good morning Mr. Fraser.’’ She stands when he walks in.

‘’Good morning Miss Beauchamp. How may I help you?’’ He hopes treating her like any other person who comes in his office and not like the lass that haunted his dreams, would cover what she is doing to him.

‘’I thought I would save you the postage and just pick up Frank's, or should I say Uncle Lamb’s book, as I have discovered that Frank stole the research from him. I wish to return it to him.’’

‘’Of course,’’ he leads her back into his office, ‘’ in that case I wouldn’t publish anyway. I've high standards.’’ He invites her to sit. ‘’Can I get you anything?’’

‘’A coffee please.’’ He nods and rings for his assistant, ‘’ Milk and sugar.’’ His assistant enters and he hands him a five pound note.

‘’Go get Miss Beauchamp a cup of coffee with milk and brown sugar.’’ He nods and heads out. ‘’So Miss, err Claire, Frank stole your Uncle’s research?’’

‘’Yes, Uncle Lamb, gave Frank some of his research to look over but he used it without crediting him. He just used it as his own.’’

Jamie’s assistant came in and handed Claire the coffee. They continue the conversation and she tells him he wasn’t only cheating with the book. She tells him about discovering his many girlfriends. Jamie is careful too keep his face a mask. He knew all this. It was part of the reason the bloke had to die. But she is just finding out.

‘’And, a strange thing happened that night, the call wasn’t from the hospital. I stayed because they got busy. Oh, I need to apologize to you Jamie. I wasn’t at my best the first day we meet. Frank had forced me to come along. I didn’t wish to, nothing against you, I just don’t like to be forced into things.’’

‘’I understand. Don’t worry about it. I knew something was wrong but it wasn’t my place to inquire about it.’’

‘’You are a true gentleman. Unlike, ‘’ she sighs and fingers the manuscript he had handed back to her. ‘’well, I must be off. Thank you for the coffee and for listening.’’ She stands up to leave and he stands with her, habits his parents had long instilled coming back in her presence. 

‘’Claire, when will you be back?’’ He knows she is heading to Oxford to return her uncle’s work.

‘’In two days, but then working until the weekend, why?’’

‘’I just thought you might want to see the rights of London with me.’’ 

‘’That would be lovely. I really haven't taken the time with everything else going on.’’ She gives him her number and he walks her to the lift. ‘Thanks for everything Jamie.’’ He stands and watch’s the numbers count down to the ground floor before walking back into his office. Why had he did that, asking her out. He doesn’t take women out. He just pays to take them as a brute when he has need. Shaking his head at himself, he enters her number in his phone. Later in the day, he text her and made sure she had made it to Oxford okay. She had and thanks him again.

Later he looks on the dark web for any other jobs. Oh, that is interesting. He was being hired to take out himself! Hired by his crazy stalker. Well, that will never do. He copies the information, removing any trace of where it came from and sends it to the Yard. The next day he finds out she had been arrested. His sister calls in a panic.

‘’Jamie, oh God, I didn’t know she was that crazy! Are you alright lad?’’

‘’I am fine,, Dinna fash. You couldn’t have ken'd. She is locked safely away now.’’ He reassures her even as he thinks of the lass his heart yearns for. It makes no sense but even as he talks to Jenny, he is texting Claire to make sure she is okay. His relief at her, ‘ yes. Home now. See you this weekend.’ Is more then he feels for his own safety. It is crazy. He is a killer, the killer of her husband.

That Saturday, they meet at the London Eye. They walk towards Waterloo bridge and the Convent garden and some bistro's Jamie knew there. It is close enough to the hospital that if she gets called in, she can easily head back.

‘Do you like living in London?’’ He asks after they are seated. It is a bit cold to be seating outside but it is so pretty.

‘’Yes and no. I lived in Oxford before Frank and I meet,’’ she runs her hand over her left hand, bare now where her wedding ring used to be, ‘’we then moved to Boston. But, after his death, well I needed to be near family. Uncle Lamb helped me see, or is helping me see that Frank's death wasn’t my fault.’’

He is shocked that she would blame herself. ‘’Why would you think it was?’’

‘’I am a doctor Jamie. A doctor and my husband passes of a coronary and I am not there to help.’’

‘’You were at the hospital, aye?’’

‘’Yes just.. The police checked, especially with his parents deaths. Yes. I was. I found out about his adultery later. It wasn’t a motive. We weren’t fully happy. He would say I was working to much. Wanted to start a family. Oh, and then I find out he already has. One of his mistresses is expecting.’’ She starts to cry as she continue, ‘’ I was embarrassed, the wronged women everyone was whispering about. I needed to be where people didn’t know me.’’ Her tears are freely falling now. Jamie feels helpless. He longs to comfort her but taking her in his arms would be his undoing.

‘’Dinna cry lass.’’ He softly says. ,’’He was in the wrong not you.’’ She pulls herself together and her phone rings. A deep breath and a wiping of her eyes before she answers.

‘’Yes. I see. I will be right there.’’ She rings off. ‘’I am sorry but I must go.’’

‘’I will see you to a cab. Text me later if you wish.’’ 

‘’I will. You are a wonderful listener Jamie.’’

He places her in a cab and pays the driver. He then stands routed to the spot watching her ride off. Now what? He is uncomfortable. He feels strange, at lose ends. He, when he has felt this needy, he knew how to handle it. But the thought of another woman made him feel a bit nauseous. He hurries back to his flat and changes into workout clothes. He runs to the gym and has a brutal workout. He is trying and failing to exercise her out of his brain.

She is beautiful, smart, and sassy. Vulnerable and needy. He is the darkness that should stay away from her light. But he is drawn to it like a moth to the flame. Now what? He has never been here before. He wants her and can’t take her. She is a new widow and he is such bad news.

His phone binged with a text message alert.

‘’I am off. Would you like some dinner with me. I will cook.’’ 

The smart thing to do would be to run the opposite direction but. ‘Can I bring anything?’

‘Whisky and wine.’

That he can do. A bottle of Fraser's special and a good bottle of wine from his uncle's collection. A shower and shave and he heads to her house.

She comes to the door with a huge smile. It lights up his world. Christ, he is in trouble.

‘’Hello there. Come in.’’ he follows her in. Her home is simple but elegant. Her. He knows what their Boston home looked like from photos he found on the dark web. This was lighter with more her. ‘’Let me get you oriented. Bedrooms upstairs,’’ she says as she places the bottles he had handed her on the counter, ‘’ there is a bathroom on this floor.’’ 

‘’You have a big home.’’

‘’Well, my uncle and his wife have a 10 year old son, Fergus. I wanted him to have room and space here. He will be coming up next weekend to see the sights. I will take him to winter wonderland.’’

‘’I would be happy to come with you, to keep you and the lad safe.’’ He offers before he thinks. She laughs and he feels it soul deep. That laugh! He knows he would do anything to hear it again.

‘’He is ten and has a ton of energy. Another adult would help.’’ 

A timer rang in the kitchen and he follows her that direction. She pulls out a roast with potatoes and carrots. 

‘’Wow! You made that?’’ She laughs again. She is determined to kill him.

‘’No. My housekeeper did. But, I did cook it. She worries that I don't eat enough.’’

‘’Do you?’’ She shrugs

‘’Come, let's eat and talk.’’

She tells him she had been working hard to keep her marriage and career together. That since his death she had slowed down.

‘’Still a surgeon but went from trauma surgery to consultant in general surgery. Less insane hours. I hardly every have to work weekends now. The irony is Frank would be pleased.’’

He tells her about the publishing world. That it wasn’t near as glamorous as it seems. ‘’A lot of reading bad manuscripts. Oh, there was one about a woman traveling through time to meet the love of her life.’’

That giggle again. ‘’Did you publish it?’’

‘’Nae it wouldn’t have sold.’’

The clean up together after they meal. ‘’I will get some glasses for the whisky.’’

‘’I pray you like it. It is from Lallybroch, my family's estate. It isn’t on the market. Made by my da for our family.’’

‘’Oh nice.’’

They take seats on her couch. Jamie is careful to seat far away from her as the couch allows. But as they drink they move closer. Before he can react, she is pressed close to him and is kissing him. It is just a peak but it is enough to fire his blood. It also throws him into a panic. He freezes for a minute. Now what? His body reacts as his mind struggles. He takes her lips in a frenzy. Now what?!


	7. Taken Liberties.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They give into the heat. Quite Explicit

His brain froze but his body didn’t. He is kissing an angel, feeling her lips move over his, feeling that luxurious arse under his hands. He needs to stop without hurting her, is what his mind is saying. His body though, pulls her closer. Her moans and keens are heavenly. But, he has to stop this.

He moved away and stares deep into those whisky eyes. ‘’ God, I am sorry lass. I didn’t mean to take liberties.’’

‘’You aren't. I want you.’’ He has to get some distance. He stands and takes a few steps away. 

‘’You wouldn’t if you knew me. I am not a good man.’’

‘’You are a good man. I've seen it.’’

‘’I am nae good man! A good man wilna take liberties with a brand new widow!’’ he calls out, desperate to convince her. Because he still wants her and isn’t sure if he has the strength to stay away.

‘’Isn’t that for me to judge. And, my marriage was over before he died. I was going to file for divorce. You have nothing to feel guilty about'' She stands up and moves over to him. Her eyes are dark with warring anger and desire. ‘’ I stopped loving Frank years ago.’’ She pokes him in the chest.

He grabs her and pushes her against the wall. ‘’I don’t have relationships.’’ He growls, ‘’ I pay women to take them like a brute. Is that what you want? Does that make me a good man?’’

‘’I wouldn’t mind. I might even like it.’’ She counters.   
She is so beautiful, so brave and strong. So f*doing good! He can smell the desire coming off her. He is lost. He lowers his head and forces his mouth open in a brutal kiss. She pushes back, moaning louder and clawing at his arm. Christ! He jerks her clothes off, down to her bra and panties before stripping down to his boxers. He throws her over his shoulder and carries her into her room. He lowers her on the bed. She lays there, with a smile, in the moonlight, waiting on him. He lowers himself on top of her.

She gives as good as she gets. Clawing and biting. He rips her bra off and suckles her so hard he takes half her breast in. She calls out his name as her nails rip down his back. When he moves to the other one, she bites his shoulder. ‘’I need you. Now!’’ She cries out as she jerks against his erection. He pulls the last layers off and enters her with a force that presses her against the headboard. He pounds into her as she clings to him, matching him wave after wave. She screams out his name, God's name as she clamps around him. A thrust later, he joins her. He moans hers. 

She falls asleep wrapped around him. ‘’Tha gaol agam ORT aingeal.’’ He whispers against he hair. Oh, he is in trouble but, at that point, is to relaxed to care. He sleep in peace in her arms.

He wakes to her kissing up his thigh and then licking up his cock. She is stroking him and licking him. He keeps his eyes closed as she continues. This is new. He never stayed as he pays his dates by the hour. He has to pay more or force the lasses to do what she is doing. She is willing and enjoying it. Then her warm sweet mouth was over him. It brings a feeling of deep joy, both physically and emotionally. Peace and joy that he hadn't felt in years. He feels his bawls contract and he climaxes with a loud shout. She is smiling and her light, lights up his dark heart. She gets a drink of water.

‘’My turn.’’ He whispers before laying her down and kissing down her body. He loves on those wonderful breast before working down to her honeypot. Jesus does she taste good! He opens her up and twirls his tongue around her clit. He doesn’t do this either. With the other lasses, it is only about his pleasure.   
Sometimes they cum too but not intentionally. But, he longs to bring her pleasure. To make her feel as good as she had him, or better. 

‘’Jamie, oh Jamie please!’’ she cries out as she starts to be pulled apart. He waits until she comes back down before pulling her back over the edge again, and then again. He then kissed back up her body i before retaken her mouth.

They spend that morning exploring each other. He was gone. He knows he must tell her the truth. Must tell her all about himself. But not today.


	8. Wee Jamie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie starts to tell her about himself when a crisis with his nephew occurs.

Claire woke up next to Jamie. He lays sleeping on his back, arms crossed. She smiles and touches his face. He smiles in his sleep and it causes her heart to lurch. Oh boy. She gets up, pulls her knickers and a robe on, and heads into the kitchen.

Jamie wakes to the smell of coffee and eggs. She is cooking, cooking for him. No one outside his mam ever had. The smell of bacon also wafted through the air. He pulls his boxers on and goes out the join her. She is standing in her white robe with just knickers on underneath. He can tell because it is opened at the front. He sees just a glimpse of the creamy white skin of her breast.

He needs to tell her everything and soon. He has to head to Paris, with his da, to do some business with his cousin Jerrod. He will be gone until after the new year. Before her that wouldn’t have mattered. But now, he sighs, now he didn’t wish to leave. If he hadn’t promised his da. Another sigh as he walks into the kitchen and wraps his arms around her. He kisses her neck as his hand slips under her robe. She turns and finds his lips. The kiss is sweet and languid. It has him wanting her again. Something else new. Usually he is one and done. But with Claire, he can’t get enough of her.

She moans and presses closer. He finds her bum and presses her closer. ‘’Jamie, I can’t let the food burn.’’ He let's her go reluctantly. She turns back to the stove and finishes cooking, plates the food, and they sit down across from each other. He needs to talk but decides to eat some first. Yah, he is putting it off. He is reluctant to break the spell that is between them.

‘’Claire, I need to tell you something.’’ She stops gathering up the dishes and gives him her full attention. 

‘’Yes Jamie?’’

‘’I am..’’ he gets no farther as the ringing of his phone pierces the quiet. A ring he hadn’t heard in awhile. His sister’s. He hurries to the living room where his discarded pants lay. He fishes it out. ‘’Jenny. What is.. Oh no! Christ, is he okay? I understand. Yes on the way. I love you too. See you soon.’’ He turns back towards Claire as he pulls his clothes back on.

‘’I have to go Claire. That was my sister. My nephew was in an accident. Was knocked out. They are taken him to the hospital. I have to..’’

‘’Of course. I can go with you, if you want.’’ She had thrown the dishes in the washer and was hurrying to get dressed herself.

‘’You don’t have to.’’ He is searching for his keys. He finds them under her couch where they had slid.

‘’I want too. For you and, I am a trauma surgeon. I can answer your sister's questions.’’

‘’Thank you Claire.’’ She pulls her untamable hair into a ponytail and they rush out the door.

It takes three long hours to get to Inverness. He could have taken that time to tell her about himself but is to stressed about wee Jamie to add anything else. So, he tells her about his family, about the fight with his sister, about his best friend and brother-in- law, his parents, Robbie, Willie and his growing family, and wee Jamie.  
‘’He has to be alright. He is such a bonny brawl lad.’’

‘’The fact that he landed on hay helps.’’ She sooths. He had been in the barn with his da and grandsire, had climbed into the hayloft, and gotten to close to the edge. He had fallen straight onto his back and been knocked out.

‘’Aye.’’ They pull into the hospital and Jamie opens the door for her, takes her hand and they run in. He is still in A&E where they find Ian pacing.

‘’Jamie lad, you dinna have to come all this way.’'

‘’Please, where is Jenny? Oh, ‘’ he recalls Claire when she tightens her hand on his. ‘’Ian Murray meet Claire Beauchamp, Claire, my brother-in- law, Ian.’’

‘’Nice to meet you lass. Jenny is.’’ Just then she comes running up and throws her arms around him. He holds her tight. 

‘’Jenny, where is he?’’

‘’Off for some tests. Thanks for coming.’’

‘’I could be nowhere else.’'

‘’Who is this?’’ she notices Claire who stands beside Ian and Brian, who had just joined them in Raigmore's A&E waiting room.

‘’Jenny and da, Claire Beauchamp. Claire, my sister Jenny and da Brian. Claire was with me when I got your call and wanted to come. She is a trauma surgeon and can be of assistance with the medical stuff.’’

‘’Very nice to meet you Claire.’’ Brian shakes her hand.

‘’You too sir.’’

‘’Can you come with us to talk with the doctors?’’ Jenny asks.

‘’Of course.’’ She squeezes Jamie's hand before following the Murray’s out.


	9. A Holiday in the Highlands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie takes Claire home to Lallybroch.

Jamie and his father wait in the waiting room. ‘’Da, would you like a cuppa?’’

‘’Nae, but thanks son. I just want to see my grandson ready to go home.’’ Jamie agrees with that. Wee Jamie had found a place in his stone heart. The thought of him harmed..

He looks up at the sound of the lad. He in a wheelchair, pushed by Ian with Jenny and Claire beside them.   
‘’Uncle Jamie, grandda, look I got a cast.’’ He has, what looks like a rubber cover over his arm and wrist.

‘’It is just a sprained waist but, the doctor thought a flexible cast would be better.’’ Claire explains to his relieved kinsmen.

‘’See grandda it is blue.’’

‘’Very bonny laddie.’’

‘’Aye I was a brave, brawl lad. I didn’t even cry.’’ They all laugh. 

‘’Claire, will you join us at Lallybroch for a bit?’’ Jenny asks. She looks to Jamie and gets a small nod.

‘’I would love to but I only have the clothes I have on.’’

‘’Och, there is several shops on the way.’’ 

‘’In that case.’’ It is Saturday and she doesn’t have to be back to work until Thursday. A mini holiday in the Highland’s.

After stopping a picking up some jeans, shirts, and underthings, they head to Lallybroch. She stares at the building, that raises several stories up in shock. 

‘’Impressive, ain't she?’’

‘’Yes.’’ 

He gets out and opens the door for her, and grabs her bags, leading her in. His mam greets them. 

‘’Jamie Fraser, your sister said you were coming with a guest. The lass that helped her with wee Jamie’s doctors.’’

‘’Aye mam. Meet Claire Beauchamp. Claire my mam, Ellen Fraser.’’

‘’Very nice to meet you ma'am.’’ She presents her hand and is pulled into a hug.

‘’Ye too Claire. Please call me Ellen. Welcome to our home. Jamie, show her to her room so she can get cleaned up. She has the room by yours,’’ a smile only he got. She is happy he brought a lass home. 

‘’Aye ma'am. Come Claire.’’ He leads her upstairs. He points out where the bathroom is. ‘’I will leave you to get freshened up.’’

‘’No. Please stay.’’ He sees the look in her eyes and feels the same. The pull. It hadn’t faded. In fact, just the opposite. It was stronger. He can do naught but pull her into his arms. He meet her kiss with the same hunger. Clothes are shed and he leads her into the shower. He washes her back as he kisses her neck. Hungry, she moves his hands to her breasts. He massages them as she moves against him. He turns her and takes her lips then down to her breasts. They manage to pull apart enough to get clean. But, as he washes her hair, she starts to groan. He wants her and would have taken her if there wasn’t a knock on the door.

‘’Uncle Jamie?’’

‘’Iffrin,’’ he whispers. ‘’Just a moment lad.’’ Claire is giggling as he stumbles out and wraps a towel around his waist. She rinses her hair out as he deals with his nephew. ‘’Lad, go on downstairs. We will be down shortly.’’

‘’You and Lady Claire?’’ Jamie grins.

‘’Aye.’’ He hurries down and Jamie turns to find her. He finds her in a towel, giggling.

‘’Come, it is funny.’’

‘’A bit.’’ He lifts her over his shoulder and throws her on her bed. He climbs up on the bed and kisses down her body. 

‘’Jamie, raincheck. We need to head down.’’

‘’No. I want you now.’’ He growls, the hitman, the brute, Ghost coming out.

‘’Jamie, get off me!’’ She pushes at him and slips out from under him. She grabs her clothes and gets dressed in the bathroom. He lays on the bed, getting angrier. How dare she refuse him? She comes out, dressed with her hair twisted up. ‘’I am going downstairs. When you get a grip on yourself, come find me and we will talk. But not now.’’ She walks out. He gets dressed in a rage.


	10. A Talk in the Kirkyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie has an intense conversation with his da.

He passes by a mirror and stares at his reflection. Glazing back at him is a very angry man. From the tension in his jaw, to the fire in his eyes, he is radiating rage. But why? The lass just asked for a raincheck. She didn’t say no all the way. And what if she had? Isn't that her right? Yes but..

‘’She said no! And I am pissed about it!’’ He roars to himself. He needs time to himself. He walks past his mam, in the kitchen. ‘’Mam, I am going to the stables.’’ He sees her nod as he hurries out.

The stables have been a place of peace since he was a wee lad. He can talk to the horses Luke he can’t other people. He paces before them. They watch him with their soft eyes. He would run here after his da would punish him. Angry then. Angrier now. He wasn’t sure what to do with it. He wouldn’t hit her but he was still on edge.

He doesn’t hear him, to lost in himself. It isn't until he feels his hand on his shoulder that he knows he is there.

‘’Son, what is wrong?’’ He looks into his son's eyes and doesn’t see the lad that had grew up here. He sees a man being pulled under by his anger and bitterness, by fear of himself. A stranger.

‘’I don’t know da. I am just so angry. I wish to hit something.’’ His da sees the Viking blood that runs through both their blood raising in his son.

‘’Jamie, I've known for a long time that you have been angry, ever since coming back from the war. Talk to me son.’’ He stands and looks deep into his baby boy's eyes. He is hurting. That is more then the over three hundred years of Viking blood, can account for. He doesn’t fear him. He is scared for him.

‘’I saw things da, did things. Some I can talk about, some I can’t. It changed me. I am not the little boy who used the play in the haylofts here. Claire denied me something asked me to wait for something I wanted then. She had the right to but I heard no. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t like to be told no.’’

‘’About sex, was it?’’ his son’s haunted eyes turn to him. ‘’I was young once too. My son, I have also caught my own battles had my own wars, as us Scots always have,. None of us come back the same. Your mam has asked the same of me, a time or two. I also wanted to hit something.’’ This revelation caused Jamie’s shoulders to fall. He had never known his father to strike out in anger. When he had to be punished as a lad, his da would always do it out of a place of love and concern. Never out of control. ‘’Did I ever tell you about your auld grandsire, Jamie?’’

This brought a small smile and chuckle. ‘’Which one da? I've many.,’’

‘’A grand question. We do have a lot of history. He was one that fought in the Jacobite Rebellion. Of ’46. He didn’t wish to fight just wished to take care of his wife and children, he had two sons with the Fraser cat eyes. The English were brutes, trying to punish all of us Scots for the rebellion of a few. There came a time, he was taken to jail for defending one of the lasses, assaulted by an English lad. What happened there is lost to history but, he was a changed man when he returned. He was pardoned by the Duke of Cumberland but was still angry and vengeful. His loving wife tried to help him but was rebuffed. His temper is like ours, yours, mine, and Jenny’s. He joined the rebellion, prepared to kill anyone who got in front of him.

His loving wife fell I’ll. It was the pox. By God's grace, she survived but the child she had been carrying, their first daughter, lived but a day or two.’’ They both reflexivity crossed themselves. ‘’He stayed home them, preparing for the aftermath of the Rebellion. His grief had overcome his anger. A year later, they have another lass. She lives a long live. She is still here,’’ he nods towards the old kirk and the graveyard by it. They walk out that way. They exam the stone that marks her resting place. They cross themselves and say a prayer in Gaelic. Jamie feels his anger slip away as tears fill his eyes.

‘’It was a lad, Saleem. We were in the middle of a mission. I was on point, scanning for threats. I saw a sniper, a threat. I went to take him out. He saw my gun come up. He grabbed the lad, just as I pulled the trigger. A shield, you see? You can’t call a bullet back. I have tried. Believe me, I've tried.’’

His da pulls him into a tight embrace. He holds him like he had when he was a little lad, when he was sick, hurt, or scared. He weeps with him. For Saheed for his child. When they have cried it out, He lifts his son's head. ‘’Let’s say a prayer for the lad and yourself.’’

When they are done, they walk back to the house. Jamie has a fence to mend.


	11. Mending Fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie starts the process of making things right

‘’Da,’’ he stops him in the yard right before they enter the house, ‘’ I need to know how to mend this fence with Claire. I didn’t intend to hurt her, but I have.’’ He has no idea what to do, having never had a relationship that required him to be contrite.

‘’Well son, you start out with an ‘I'm sorry' then ‘I was wrong'. I ken admitting such is not easy for us Fraser's but it is how it must be handled. She came down, with a smile, and said naught to your mam or I. It was your mam who sent me out to you. Go to her son. Make your apology.’’

‘’Thank you da, for everything.’’ He hugs his father and Brian chuckles.

‘’You are quite welcome son.’’

He walks into the kitchen and hugs his mam. ‘’Thank you mam.’’ She hugs her back, her little boy no matter how big he is  
.  
‘’She is in the living room.’’ He nods and squares his shoulders before walking that way.  
She sits, on the couch, wee Jamie on her lap, talking to Jenny. 

‘’Claire, may I talk too you a minute?’’

‘’Yes, ‘’ she stands, placing the lad down by his mam. ‘’ I will be back Jenny.’’ She follows him into the parlor. She then turns to him, arms crossed.

‘’Mo chridhe, I am sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to be such a clod heir. It was hearing no. Not that is what you said but it is what I heard. You had every right to say no or wait, any right to say whatever you wanted. Tha no chridhe briste'.’’

‘’Jamie, I need you to speak English. I don’t understand what you are saying but I hear you are sorry. You are forgiven.

‘’Forgiven? Without an explanation?’’ This was unusual.

‘’Yes. We were both angry but it is done. We can talk later about what caused it but you are forgiven.’’ He gathers her to him, holding her close.

‘’Mo Bheannachd.’’ He whispers into her hair.

‘’You will have to tell me what you are saying.’’ She says with a laugh.

‘’I will later.’’ He lifts her head and deeply kisses her. She then heads back to Jenny and he goes too find his da.

‘’Da, may I talk to you in private?’’

‘’Aye son. Let’s go to the study.’’ They enter and Brian pours a glass of whisky for each of them. ’She forgive you?’’

‘’Aye da. I want, well she is the one. I canna see my life without her. But, to keep her, I must change. I have done things, bad things, things I canna talk about. I am nae whole man. I am angry and filled with evil.’’

‘’James when were you last at church?’’ He only uses his full Christian name when he is versa serious.

‘’It has been a long time.’’ He admits.

‘’Well son, your first strep is confession. Go talk to Father Bane. He was a priest in WW2, and has his own issues, stuff he still doesn’t ‘talk about. Stuff he saw. Every year he holds a mass for the service members, both survives and those lost and their families.’’

‘’Thank you da. I will make an appointment with him.’’

‘’Good son.’’

Later that night, after dinner and a bit of whisky, Claire and Jamie head upstairs. They enter his room and he kisses her. 

‘’Can you explain?’’ she asks against his lips. 

‘’I am not sure why I.. I can be a brute sometimes with women. I haven't been in a real relationship in a long time. When I had need, I would take care of the need in a way and with a lass I wouldn’t have to apologize too. Hell that I wouldn’t see the next morning.’’

‘’You've been careful?’’ She is on the pill but they hadn’t used rubbers. 

‘’Oh aye. Always. Another thing to apologize for. I should have asked. You are the only one I have felt comfortable enough, free enough to.. Sorry.’’

‘’As long as you were careful with them, and don’t go back, as long as we are together, then it is okay.’’

‘=I always was and I dinna want anyone else. Claire, I am not used to hearing no. In any form. Again, I am sorry.’’

‘’It was the war, eh?’’ he looks at her, astonished. ‘’I had a patient once, the same type of look in his eyes, the same inability to hear no. It came from the same place of pain and loss.’’ She tightens her arms around him. ‘’I can forgive you because you didn’t try to hit me. Frank,’’ she waves off what she was going to say. ‘’ He doesn’t matter. You and I do. I love you Jamie.’’

His breath catches as a tear runs down his face. Did she just say? He must become the man she deserves. He must confess to Father Babe, God, and then her.


	12. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie makes his confession to an understanding priest, who share some of his own story   
> TW for discussion of the Holocaust.

He walks into the church he hadn’t entered since before he joined the military. He crosses himself and kneels before the cross. The Father, Father Bane is praying in the front of the church. Jamie stands still between the pews and waits for him. After he turns to him.

‘’Jamie lad, what brings you to church?’’ He asks as he leads him into his office.

‘’I need to confess. I haven't been to church since before I went to war. Since, I have done some bad things. I believed them okay, even justified, at the time. My heart was a solid rock. I didn’t feel anything could break through. But, I found love Father, love where I wasn’t excepting it to be. She was right in front of me. I got angry with her the other day. Sae angry. She asked for something she had every right to ask and I reacted strongly, hearing no where she just said wait.’’

‘’You didn’t hit her, did you?’’

‘’Oh no Father. I've strict rules about women and children. My da says it is in our blood, this anger.’’

Father Bane laughs a bit. ‘’I get that. My grandsire’s were angry men also. There was a sense of betrayal, eh, after the 45. Jamie, did your da tell you about my past?’’

‘’He said you were in the war but didn’t talk about it.’’

‘’Aye, I was but not as a soldier. A bit of background to help you understand. My own mam was a nurse in WW1. She also saw a lot. She insisted that I be circumcised as it was cleaner. It ties in.’’ he says at Jamie's quizzical look. ‘’I became a priest at 21. At 25, I was sent to Paris to serve at Notre Same. The Germans came. The Archbishop was good friends with the Rebbe of the Paris Jewish community. He felt that we are all God's children, no matter the religion, therefore we needed to help each other.  
We heard the rumors of ‘work camps' but didn’t know for sure. Several of our German and Polish priest had sent messages about the Jewish communities being gathered up and whipped out. Under Notre Dame there are cells, part of the hidden catacombs of Paris. Good hiding places, eh? We his all we could, families and friends of the head rabbis. We his children in the orphanage ran by the Sisters of Notre Dame. We held Saturday night Sabbath for our guests. We did what we could to keep them feed. Priest would go out and gather what they could and the sister’s had their gardens.

One night, I was out on a mission to bring a young child into the orphanage. His mam had died in one of the houses of sin. She had confessed, been given absolution, and died. The small child needed a home. One more mouth to feed.’’ He laughs breaking some of the tension from the tale. ’Use Scots can always find food for one more. I dinna ken I was being followed by the SS. One of the men was the lads father. He didn’t wish to lay claim as the lad wasn’t ‘ethnically pure' just wanted to see him safe.

The next morning,I went into the countryside for some food, I was arrested by the SS. They thought me a Jew, I was circumcised and wore the star of David with the Holy Cross. I was sent to one of the ‘work camps'. Being a farmer, I was put to work in a farm right outside the camp. I saw things, things that still haunt my dreams, things I can only discuss with God.

Three years later, the Allies arrive and free us. I returned to Scotland and had a year of silence. Locked up in myself and my hatred of those who committed those atrocities out of fear and hatred for their fellow human beings. I almost left the church. The lad, the last I was able to rescue, he found me. Fergus was sent to Scotland, keep safe. He was ten when we saw each other again. Young enough to still have hope. He recalled the kindness of the nuns, remembered me praying over his dying mam, the celebration at the wars ending. He had been adopted. The Rebbe knew of a couple that was praying for a child. He hugged me and we cried together. I lost my anger Jamie. The lad reminded me that life went on. There was still love and light. And we had done all we could. We had saved all we could. Now James, talk to me. You know all you tell me is under the seal of the confessional. I can’t tell anyone.’’

‘’It started during the war. I was trained as a sniper. With eyes like a eagle and a steady, quiet way, I was good at it. Earned the nick name, Ghost. I knew I was serving my Queen and people. Then came Saleem. His father was a sniper also. We were on mission, slipping around, searching. I saw the sniper but nae the lad, not until it was to late. He lifted him as a shield, his own lad. You can’t call a bullet back. It killed them both. I started drinking, heavily. I was honorably discharged but felt nae honor. I tried returning to my previous life but… that one bullet, one shot, haunted me. Seeking redemption, a type of absolution, I returned to my previous line of work. I became a hitman, for hire. Taken out men, ne' women or children, that are evil, abusive, scum. I hardened my heart. And then, Claire came. Her late husband had hired me to kill her, despite my clear rules. I killed him first, then all of his evil family. 

Oh Father, I feel in love with her. Completely, irreconcilably, in love. She loves me too. She lifted the darkness, unthawed the ice around my heart. But, she doesn’t know I am more then, James Fraser, publisher. I must tell her and I must become the man she has fell in love with.’’

A stunned Father Bane looks at him for a minute. ‘’Okay well Jamie you must atone for your sins. You need to be here, every day, for a month, weekly meetings with me to talk through your anger and guilt, and Jamie, you must tell Claire all and shut down your side business. The next few months are going to be hard, very hard, but I promise you won’t be alone, I will be there every step.’’

He knows he is right. But figuring out how to tell Claire and when. He doesn’t wish to lose her.


	13. A Bunch of Lawyers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie reluctantly leaves Claire in London to return home to deep therapy with Father Bane. Before he leaves, he has a vistor that has him hiring a lawyer for Claire.

He knows he needs to talk to her, confess all. But, he also knows he needs more time with Father Bane, in therapy first. He hates that he will have to be away from her for a few months to accomplish that goal.   
As he drives her home to London, where he will prepare for the leave he must take, he finds himself, at first, unable to discuss either. So he talks about Lallybroch.

“Why don't you live their? It is such a wonderful, peaceful place.”

“Aye, that it is. But I am nae farmer. I am better suited to publish books.”

“I understand that. I can’t imagine being anything but a doctor. It is all I've ever wanted,” a pause as her glaze runs over him, “ at least all I've ever wanted to do.”

“Aye, Claire, mon chariad, I've got to return to Lallybroch to help my da for awhile. I would love it if you could come up on your days off and I will come to you also.”

“Wait. How long will you be there?”

“A month or so. I know. I don't want to be away from you either, but I must help my family.” And myself and us, he added in his head.

“No. I understand that, of course. I will miss you but we can make it work.”

“That is my prayer.” 

He spends the night with her and sweet love is made. It had never been like this and his eyes feel with tears at the end. He tells her he loves her in both English and Ghaildhig before they fall asleep tangled together.

He hates to leave her the next morning but ge know he needs to be the man she needs and deserves.

“I will see you my first day off.” She tells him as they linger over goodbye kisses.

“Aye.” He heads to his office to clear up what he needs to and pick up a few manuscripts that he will work on getting published over the next month. As he gathers up what he needs, there is a knock on the door. He frowns as the sign clearly says closed.

He is tense as he opens it to a blond man. 

“James Fraser?”

“Aye and as you can clearly see the office isna open Mr.”

“Grey, John Grey, barrister. My client Sandy Grant just needs a few minutes of your time.” He says and gestures for him to go on. He doesn’t invite him in. “Well, she carries the child of the late Frank Randall and wishes to have some of the royalties from his book that you are publishing.”

“The book wilna nae be published. It was plagiarized from another uncredited source. I have already returned the manuscript to his widow.”

“I was unaware of Mr. Randall’s marriage.” 

“I bet,” Jamie thinks in a rage. “ I bet you are also aware of the funds deposited in Miss. Grant's account for the bairn.” He takes several steading breathes.

“Aye, so if you will excuse me.”

“Just one more thing, would you know how I could contact the Widow Randall. The estate will still need to help Miss Grant.”

“Do not punch him. He is just doing his job.” He firmly orders himself.”

“Or her attorney?” John Grey is alarmed by the look on the publisher's face.

“No. I saw her to return the manuscript. I've no knowledge of her current whereabouts.” He smoothly lies. “Now if you will excuse me.”

“Of course. Thanks for your time.” He nods and shuts the door before whispering,” That greedy little bitch! She wilna be bothering Claire.” He rings a barrister he knows Ned Gowan and explains the situation. He agrees to help and he tells him to expect a call from her in the next few days.

As he drives deeper into the Highland's, his tension slowly leaves. He rings Claire, tells her he loves her and will ring her back for a long chat when he gets home. He doesn’t anticipate having to stop so often as his other side, as Ghost, tries to convince him to take out the greedy Sandy.

“You dinna kill woman nor bairns and she is pregnant. Besides, ye dinna do that anymore.” He argues with himself on the side of the road.

By the time he gets home were his da greets him with a huge hug, it is very late. He climbs into his old bed, after kicking off his shoes, and falls straight to sleep. His ringing phone wakes him the next morning.

“You didn’t ring me.”

“I am sorry baby. It was very late. Are you at work or home?”

“Home. Work tonight. So you made it okay?"

“Aye. Christ lass, I miss you.”

“I miss you. Badly. You left a shirt here and I wore it to bed. It smells like you.”

“I will have to sent you more.” He says as he pictures her, curls tussled with sleep dressed only in his shirt and knickers. F*ck!

“That will be good.”

“Claire baby, you need to take a number. It is for Ned Gowan. He is a barrister I know. I had a visitor before I left at the office.” He tells her all about John Grey's visit and what he had done to protect her.

“That bastard! He is still hurting me even dead.”

“He wilna hurt ye neither will his mistress.” He declares as he reminds himself not to kill the lass. “I promise.   
Ned is great and he will put a stop to this nonsense.”

“Thank you. I am just so frustrated.”

“I ken that. I am too for your sake. But dinna fash, Ned will handle it.”

“Okay. I will call him as soon as we ring off.” 

He hears the door open a crack and sees his wee nephew’s face. He braces himself as the lad runs in and launches himself onto the bed. “Oof, ye wee ratten! Say good morning to Lady Claire.” 

“Where?” he looks comically around.

“On the phone.” 

“Oh.” He turns towards the phone Jamie holds out. “Hi Lady Claire.”

“Hi Jamie.”

“I came to tell Uncle Jamie that Granny says breakfast is ready.”

“Okay, well I will let you both go.”

“K.” he hops off the bed.

“Good bye for now my love. Let him now what he says. I love you.”

“I will. I love you.”

He miss her with a soul deep ache but knows he must be here now, doing this. He needs to be the man she thinks he is and knows he is nowhere near that yet. He follows his nephew down.


	14. Church, Jamie, and Ghost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie begins his counseling with Father Bane.  
> Quite angsty with a very graphic depiction of a child's death.

After breakfast and a few minutes playing with wee Jamie, he gathers his laptop and heads to see Father Bane at church. He needs to show the good father his side business, all he had done. He most find a type of absolution, to change, to find Jamie and lose ghost, he must. For himself, for Claire, and for his family. Wee Jamie carries his name. He must see it is a good one.

He arrives and before they start their therapy session, Father Bane leads mass. His homily is on forgiveness. He keeps his eyes mainly on Jamie as the early morning mass draws a sparse crowd. Jamie doesn’t take communion knowing he was no where near ready but the service, his first in many years, steadied him some.

They sit down after mass with tea. ‘’So Jamie, show me your work.’’ Jamie opens his laptop, booting up his dark web page for the first time in a month. He shows the good father all. From his first kill of a man convicted of rape of a child, inexplicably free on bail while awaiting sentencing. Right up to the Randall’s.

‘’You were the one who killed the famous human trafficker in America?’’ Father Bane confirms while crossing himself. He hadn’t stopped doing that since Jamie started talking.

‘’Aye I did,’’ there is no pride in his voice but no shame either. ‘’Most of the money made from that job, including what I received from pawning the gun, went to the Southern Poverty Law Center.’’ It is one of the hundred jobs he had done in the last five years. All men, except Mrs. Randall. All evil in their own way.

‘’You give a portion of your earnings to charity?’’ It is a glimmer of hope for his healing and Father Bane clings to it.

‘’Aye. I dinna need the money. Most goes to charity or the victims. I only keep what is needed to do the job, to pay for the website, travel expenses. I can’t always carry my own gun or other tools so they sometimes have to be purchased on site. Easy enough in the States, hardest in Japan but I've a man there.’’ No emotions. Just the facts. Like he is reading out of a encyclopedia. Father Bane can see the change in Jamie, as Ghost enters the office. The personality that allows Jamie to do what he had been doing.

‘’Jamie, who are you right now?’’ Jamie meets his eyes, his eyes darkened to a deep indigo. Ghost was fully in the room.

‘’Father, I am not sure. My work with the website had to be free of emotion. Robotic almost. Those people were evil. Taken them out was a service to humanity. Child molesters, human traffickers, men who hurt women and children. No one was stopping them.’’ His hands fist and his breathing changes as his eyes darkened farther. The little baby he had baptized, the lad who served as an alter boy, was gone  
.  
‘’So you felt called to?’’ he gently asks.

‘’Aye, that is my job. To take them out. I am selective. I get emails from men asking me to take out their wives. I dinna do that.’’

‘’Except for Mrs. Randall?’’

‘’Aye, but she was funneling drug money through charities set up to help children. Denying them food, clothing, toys. Nae, she had to go.’’

‘’Also just maybe because she was associated with Claire. Would you hurt her?’’ he asks meeting his eyes straight on.

Jamie's eyes changed from the dark troubled water of the loach’s in winter to the soft blue of a spring sky. A tear ran down his eye. ‘’Nae I would never harm her.’’

‘’What do you think will happen when you tell her what really happened to her husband and his family?’’

‘’I dinna ken, I hope and pray she will forgive me.’’

‘’Jamie, you told me about this woman, Sandy, who is trying to hurt Claire. How are you handling that?’’

‘’I wish to handle it the right way, through the barrister. To see it taken care of it without hurting Claire.’’ Ghost answers. The thought of harm coming to Claire brought him back out.

Father Bane saw and understood the changes. He had experienced them himself. ‘’James, talk to me about the war. Tell me what happened to make you keep Ghost.’’  
He tells him all about the war and the death of Saleem that had changed him forever.

‘’He was firing at my men. It was my job and responsibility to stop him. There was no time to mask my gun or the shot. He must have saw the glint off my gun. I didn’t see the child until his father lifted him up in front of him. You canna call back a bullet. Oh I've tried in ever nightmare since. I watched it enter the lads heart 50 f'ing caliber. Christ, it destroyed the lad. Killed his bloody father too. Not that that was much consolation. I can still see the shocked look on his face. Still hear the mourning wails of his mam.’’ He is freely crying after he is done. Father Bane takes his hands and lets him. The tears are good, healing.

By the end of two hours, Jamie is tired, hollowed out. Father Bane knows it is enough for today.

‘’Jamie, I would like to see you again in two days. We have a lot of work to do.’’ He prays with him, hugs him, and sends him back to his family to rest.

He calls Claire, getting her voice mail as she is at work. He tells her he loves and misses her before joining his wee nephew for a nap. It is going to be a long two months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will have another update after the new year. My wonder co-writer is holidaying in Edinburgh. Maybe she will be blessed to see Sam and Cait😀😀😀


	15. Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie starts to feel. Tears, laughter, and hugs.

Jamie woke from his nap when his nephew poked at his forehead. ‘’Uncle Jamie, wake up.’’ Punctuated his poking finger.

‘’Mo bheannachd, I am awake.’’ He says tucking him up against him.

‘’Why you napping with me? Ye ain't nae bairn.’’

‘’Well, I felt like one after spending a few hours with Father Bane. I needed a rest. Ye, ye wee rascal, looked so comfy sae, I just had tae join ye.’’ A partial truth. He needed the feeling of the weans life against him tae keep the nightmares away.

‘’That's okay Uncle Jamie.’’ He giggles and it knits something back together in his uncle's heart.

When he gets up, he finds that Claire has returned his phone call. He calls her back. 

‘’Good morning.’’ She sounds sleepy and he can picture her in bed, hair tussled, eyes barely opened, wearing his shirt. Ah Dhai!

‘’Good morning love. Do you still wear my shirt?’’

‘’I do. I woke up and saw you had called. I miss you too.’’

‘’I miss you a lot. Did you get ahold of Ned? I love you.’’

‘’I love you too. I did. He says not to worry. That she is owed nothing from Frank's estate and that she and her child are fine as a large amount of money was deposited in her account around the time of Frank’s death.’’

‘’Really! That is odd.’’

‘’Maybe he was paying her off. Either way.. Are you and your dad getting done what you need too?’’

‘’We are. Accomplishing a lot.’’

‘’Good. I must get ready for work. Talk later?’’

‘’Aye. Sweet lady get ready. You know I love you?’’

‘’I do. I love you too.’’

He decides to head to the stables after ringing off. He needs the company of the horses and the feel of his land beneath him. His head and heart is still full of anger. He walks up to his favorite.

‘’De do bhrachd air turas?’’ He asks him if he wishes a ride. He mounts the big black beast and is off. He lets him run through the countryside. His home. His land. His heritage. He longs to share this with his own child, his and Claire’s. But, he is still full of such anger. Anger at himself for harming a child. Rage at his ‘father’ for using him as a shield.

He had made his own, an impermeable guard over his heart after Saleem's death. But now, he is starting to feel again. It hurts. The pain is enough to cause him to unseat himself and drop to the ground. He let’s the horse graze as he screams. He lays in the field and screams up into heaven. He screams himself raw before he starts to cry. He weeps for Saleem, for himself, his family, for all the women and children he had tried to avenge. For Claire and the bairns he can see playing with Wee Jamie on their land, those that have her whisky eyes and his curls. He starts to feel.  
Part of him wished he hadn't started this but, the bigger part is glad he was feeling again. For Claire, for themselves, but more for himself. For in the midst of the pain and anger, he is finding Jamie again and leaving Ghost behind. He weeps until he can’t anymore then goes to find his horse.

He hums songs he now recalls, songs his mam had sang to him when just a wee bairn. Songs of comfort. Songs of sorrow. He would ask her about them later. Songs he wished to sing to his own bairns should God grant.

He found the horse eating not fall from him. Still weeping, he rubbed the horses nose. ‘’A bheil the a smaoineachadh gur e leababh a th' annam?’’ He asks the beast if he thinks him a wee baby. The horse shook his head and Jamie's tears turns to laughter. He clings to the neck of the horse as his laughter turns a tad hysterical.

Once he is calmer, he climbs back up on the horse and rides back. He longs to hug his mam. Really hug her. He finds her and his sister, talking. He walks up behind his mam and wraps his arms around her, enveloping her in a bear hug.

‘’Jamie lad, what was that for?’’ 

‘’Just because. Come Jenny, I long to hug you too.’’   
Tears still glisten in his eyes as he pulls her close. He had missed so much with his family. Years he had walked away from them. He hugs them both close. ‘’I have missed this, missed you.’’ He explains through his tears. 

‘’Weep if ye need to lad. Nae judgement here.’’ His mam says. His nephew comes in and sees them all hugging together.

‘’Hugs too!’’ Laughing, they break apart. He lifts his nephew up, placing him in the middle, they embrace around him. His father came in a few minutes later. He leaves the wean and lasses and comes over to him.

‘’I am sorry da that I've not been here for ye.’’ Brian opened his arms and his son falls into them. They hold each other tight, both weeping. At the end, wee Jamie turns the tears to laughter when he softly touches his grandsire and uncle’s faces.

‘’Your faces are all wet.’’ He lifts him up and hugs him as he laughs. Then his phone rings. It is Claire.


	16. Ghost Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie still has some work to do.

’Claire, is everything okay?’’ 

‘’Yes, just got off work and well, I missed you and wanted to say hi.’’

‘’Hi Auntie Claire.’’ Wee Jamie, still in his Uncle Jamie's arms called out.

Claire chuckles. ‘’Hi wee Jamie.’’

‘’Ye wee rascal.’’ His uncle says as he sits him own and walks out of the room seeking privacy.

‘’Hello Claire.’’ He says when he is alone. ’Sorry about the wee flirt.’’

‘’He is a doll. I received a letter from John Grey. I haven't opened it.’’

Jamie leans against the old brick façade, and takes several deep breaths. ‘’Call Ned. Give it to him. Don’t open it. Let him see it first.’’

‘’I will do that. I will make an appointment after my shift tomorrow. I am off this weekend. I need to see you.’’

‘’Please, Sorcha, I would be upset if ye didn’t.’’

‘’I will make reservations in the morning.’’

‘’Nae, I will. I will get the ticket. My treat.’’

‘’Okay. I really miss you Jamie.’’

‘’I miss you. Love you. See ye this weekend.’’

‘’This weekend yes.’’ He rings off and stays against the house. What was this Grey about? Looking up to heaven, he whispers a prayer of thanks and asks for God's help to keep Ghost away.

The next morning finds him at church for the ten am service. He comes for mass and penance. He is assigned to walk the stations of the cross. It is a process that commerates Jesus' Passion. It includes prayers and acts of contrition. After he finishes, two hours later, he walks back home.

He has two messages. Ones from Claire and one from Ned. He calls the barrister first. ‘’Jamie lad, I am glad you called. John Grey sent a letter to inform Claire that he is suing Mr. Randall’s estate for support of the child. I called him to inform him that I was Miss. Beauchamp's counselor and it should have been sent to me.’’

‘’Does Claire know yet?’’ Ghost asks as his hand tightens dangerously on the little phone.

‘’No, I am about to call her. No concerns, Mr. Fraser, the lass is unentitled to any money from the estate.’’ He remembers to thank him before hanging up. He then goes on-line and finds John Grey. Ghost finds him to Be the worst kind of lawyer. He is an ambulance chaser that takes over fifty percent of what he recovers for his clients. He harasses those he is trying to swindle, sending letters, phone calls ads in the newspapers. He even called one bloke's job. He ended up losing it. Now he is after Claire. He has to die.

He is pulled back to himself when wee Jamie calls out, ’Uncle Jamie, grandmam says it is time for lunch.’’ He joins his family then heads to the kirk to see Father Bane. He must talk this out. He wants to hurt, to kill. He can’t not and be the man Claire needs, his family needs. Not if he wants to find Jamie again.

‘’Jamie, what is it son?’’ He looks closely at him. ‘’Please come in.’’

‘’Father, help me. I want to kill a man to save another.’’ Ghost admits.

‘’Tell me.’’ He tells him all, all the public information on Grey and that he found on the dark web. ‘’ Did you sent any of this to Claire’s lawyer?’’

‘’No. I came to you first. I am scared. I canna have Ghost return. Claire is coming this weekend and I want to tell her all with your help. I am paying for her to come. That way if she can’t handle it and leaves, she won’t be wasting her money.’’

They talk for another and pray until Father Bane is satisfied that Ghost is locked safely back away. Jamie agrees to e-mail all the information he had on Grey to Ned Gowan. After he does that, he books a flight for Claire. He then gathers all he needs to show her, the e-mails from Randall, his answering ones, all that would tell her what really happened to her late husband and his role in it.

It will be a hard weekend, the hardest since Salem’s death, but he has to be honest with her and himself. It has to happen for them to move forward.

Claire hates to fly but the flight to Inverness will take her to Jamie and it is worth it. She arrives Friday night. Late Friday night. 

‘’Claire, I have given you the room by mine.’’ He explains as the drive to Lallybroch.

‘’Not with you?’’

He smiles. ‘’Ye need sleep lass. There is time.’’ Maybe, he adds in his head, if you dinna run screaming away from me.

‘’Okay, in the morning I wish to see more of your incredible home.’’

‘’Aye lass.’’ She hugs him tight by her door. He kisses her forehead. ‘’Get some sleep. I love ye madly.’’

He leads her into the room. It has a huge bed and a fireplace, already going. It will be a long day tomorrow. He kisses her goodnight, wanting more but, no the truth first. He heads to bed but sleep is elusive for hours.


	17. Telling Claire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Claire react to the news of Ghost?

That morning, Jamie gets up early and heads to church. He needs to do penance and walk the stations of the cross, to sit at mass and pray. It is going to be a long day and he needs all the spiritual support he can get. He then heads back home to get Claire.

‘’Where were you?’’ She sleepily asks over the breakfast table.

‘’At church. Went to mass.’’

‘’Early, it is only eight in the morning.’’

‘’Aye I wished to go before.. Look there are some things you don’t know about me. I wish to discuss them with you in the presence of Father Bane.’’

‘’Sounds serious.’’

‘’Aye tis'.’’

The walk in silence to the entry of the church. Father Bane meets them.

‘’Father Bane may I present, Claire Beauchamp, Claire, our parish priest, Father David Bane.’’

‘’It is a pleasure to meet you lass.’’

‘’You too Father.’’

‘’Come in you guys. Claire, Jamie has told me a lot about you.’’ She follows him in with a quizzical look to Jamie. She had not heard the priest's name. ‘’Come in, ‘’ he leads them into his office. ‘’Let’s pray.’’ They do and then Jamie got out his papers and laptop.

‘’Claire, I need you to see some things. You are not going to want to see them nor hear what I have to say. But you must.’’ She frowns but nods. ‘’I was in the military, as you guested. I was a sniper, a good one. One day, on one mission, something horrific happened.’’ As deep breath, ’’ I accidentally killed a child, Saleem, who was lifted as a shield.’’ She gasps and reaches for him but he won’t let her touch him. Ghost is in control. ‘’After that, I wasn't able to stay on mission. Was given a honorable discharge. But didn’t feel honorable. I tried to return to my past life. But.. I couldn’t. So, I did this.’’ He had pulled up his dark web site. ‘’I became a killer for hire. I was still good at it, you see. I only kill bad guys, those who hurt women or children.’’

‘’I don’t understand.’’ She whispers.

‘’Claire, read this e-mail,’’ he hands her the first e-mail where Frank had tried to hire him. ‘’I wasn’t just his would-be publisher. Frank tried to hire me to kill you. I wouldn’t, of course. Hey knew that. He tried to though.’’  
Father Bane grabbed his arm, stopping the monotone flow of his words, Ghost words. ‘’Jamie, come back to us!’’ Claire, who had been up pacing, falls into a chair and Jamie hands her the e-mails and other information about Frank and his family.

‘’I meet you and Frank to talk about his book. That was the ruse. I arranged for you to be called back to the hospital. You needn’t have been there. It was simple. A bit of insulin in his wine and heart failure later that night. I then took steps to protect you. Returning the money your in-laws stole from the children’s charities. I placed some money in his pregnant mistress’s bank account. I then took care of the rest of his evil family. When I meet you again at the London Eye, that was an accident.’’

‘’Why?’’ she gets out through her tears, ‘Why Jamie? Because he lied to you?’’

‘’Claire, Jamie felt he was doing his job, to take out the evil in the world. I don’t agree and he did come to me to help get rid of this side of him. Jamie has two personalities, himself and Ghost, the sniper. Only one is a killer.’’ Father Bane tries to explain.

‘’You have been lying to me! You killed my husband because he lied to you!’’ Jamie is quiet, knowing he deserves her anger and more. ‘’Father Bane, I don’t understand. You trying to justify this, give him an out. I don’t understand.’’

‘’Claire, Frank wanted you dead so he could be with Sandy in Scotland. He all but told me that and she did too. He had five other women her was also sleeping with. He stole your uncle’s research and claimed it as his own. He then lied to me.’’ Ghost replies. Before Father Bane could react, Claire stood up and slapped him across the mouth. She then slammed out of the office and the church.

She heads for the house blinded by her tears. She ends up in the woods. Crying and blind, she doesn’t care where she is, as long as she is away. She still clinches tight to the papers as she finds a cave entrance and falls down at the entrance.

Jamie, woke by the sting of the slap, starts to cry. ‘’Father, have I lost her?’’ he cries out in anguish.

‘’No my son. Not just yet. Go find her. See that she is safe. She will need time, time you must give her.’’  
He hurries to the house, where he finds that his family hasn't seen her. He then heads to the stable to find the horses all there. He gets his own horse and heads into the woods. He finds her trail and then her, an hour later. She is in a cave he and his brothers had played in as bairns. She is on the cave floor, unconscious.  
He lifts her into his lap. Her breathing is steady and he relaxes some. He tells her, in the Gaelic that he loves her, that he would take it all back if he could, that this was all for them, to make him the man she deserves, so he can love her they way she deserves to be loved.  
Claire slowly wakes in his arms. She looks up at him with pain filled, confused eyes. 

‘’Claire, please, I am sorry. I didn’t know you then. I couldn’t imagine feeling this way. I didn’t know it was possible. I saw Randall as a man that crossed my rules by asking me to kill you, a lady. I then found him to be a cheat and a fraud, as well as his family. You said you were leaving him. I needed to tell you all. You had to know. I want to be completely honest with you.’’

Claire looks down at the paperwork. All those names, with all the crimes they had committed. As Jamie weeps, she discovers stuff she hadn’t seen the first time. One of Frank's affairs was with a friend of hers, married to a fellow doctor. Frank's brothers were part of the Irish mob, drug dealers. Her in-laws were helping their children launder the drug money. Not good people. She couldn’t yet forgive, but was beginning to understand.

‘’Jamie, I need some time to think. I need to talk to Father Bane. Please give me some time.’’

‘’Oh my Sorcha, you can have all the time you need.’’ He placed her on his horse and lead her back to the church. She goes right in to talk with the good father, he went to pray.

Father Bane tells her all he knows of Jamie’s hitman business. They look through his dark web page together. All the wife beaters, drug dealers, child molesters, he had taken out. Not one good man in the bunch. There is also a picture of Saleem, the little boy who had started it all. 

‘’Father, how do I forgive him and get pass this?’’

‘’Claire, did you love Frank?’’

‘’No, but I didn’t wish his death.’’

‘’I understand. But, he was somewhat responsible for his own death. He did wish Jamie to kill you. Jamie has a strict set of rules. By lying to Ghost, by trying to arrange your death, he helped cause his own. Now, not that I have given Jamie any absolution, for his own sins, not yet. But, he did come too me and confessed all because he wants Ghost gone. He is working very hard on that. He always intended to tell you all. That has always been part of the plan.’’

‘’Thank you Father Bane, for all you are doing to help.’’ They hug and pray together.

Claire finds Jamie in prayer. She walks over to him. When he looks up, she says, ‘’Jamie, I am not ready to discuss this yet. But, I am not running away from us, from this. I need some time. Can you take me back to your house?’’

‘’Claire, do you want to go back to the airport?’’

‘’No. There is a type of healing peace found here. I just need time.’’

‘’Sorcha, you can have all the time you need.’’

When they get back to the house, Claire locks herself in the guest room. Jamie weeps bitterly in his. Has he lost her?


	18. Shock and Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire talks to Brian and Jamie to Father Bane.

Claire woke in the darkest part of the predawn. She is uncomfortable in her clothes, her eyes and throat sandpapered by her tears, she is hungry and needs the loo. She uses the loo, takes a hot shower to rid herself of the nervous sweat, and then heads to the kitchen. She had missed dinner, her rumbling stomach reminds her.

She finds Brian nursing a cup of coffee.

‘’I am sorry. I didn’t know anyone else was up Mr. Fraser.’’

‘’Brian, my dear. Aye the coos need milked and feed as do the chickens and horses. My other boys and son-in law, will be here in a bit.’’

‘’Jamie, ‘’ a swallow as it hurts to say his name, ‘’ he doesn’t help?’’

He gives her a sad smile as she pours her own coffee and joins him. ‘’Nae Claire. I lost my eldest for a time after he came back from his service to Queen and country. But lately, he is starting to come back to us. It is thankful I am.’’

She wonders how much he knows. Taken a deep breath, she decides to ask him for a favor. ‘’Brian, would you have a place I could stay, here but away from the main house?’’

He frowns at her. ‘’Ye and Jamie have a fight?’’

‘’Yes and no. He told me some things I must process. I need some time and space.’’ He looks at her closely and nods.

‘’Aye Claire. A croft a half a kilometre away. If you are ready I will take you out there. I will have the cook bring ye some breakfast. Should Jamie ken where ye are?’’

‘’That is fine. I am not hiding from him. I just need time.’’ She gathers her things and Brian drives her out to the sweet croft cabin.

‘’You call if you need anything?’’

‘’I will. Thank you.’’

Jamie wakes and goes to Claire's room. He finds a note on the bed.

Jamie,  
I am still here on the estate. I have not and will not leave. We need to talk but I need time to think. You have given me a lot to think about. Please keep seeing Father Bane. You are doing good work. Your father knows where I am. Please don’t come to me. I will come to you.  
Claire

He finds his father. ‘’Da, is she okay?’’

‘’Jamie lad, she needs time to think. All women do sometime. Your own mam did the same when she found herself carrying Robbie. He wasn’t planned, ye ken. She was overwhelmed and needed time to think.’’  
He recalled her pregnancy with Robbie. It had been tough, mainly spent in bed. He nods.

‘’She came out, we did, alright on the other side. You two will also. She loves you son. She didn’t head home. Just give her time.’’

He gets breakfast and heads to church. After the stations of the cross and mass, he goes to see Father Bane.

‘’She didn’t leave me,’’ he tells him through his tears, ‘’ needs time to think, but didn’t leave.’’

‘’James, what do you think you need to do now?’’

‘’I have closed everything down, the web site, the hidden e-mail, have only kept the money I earned through publishing, all other has been given away; I keep the records only for this, I think I need to move out of London.’’

‘’That is all well and good but Ghost will follow, wherever you go. He keeps trying to come out. How do you get rid of Ghost?’’ He lets him think a minute. ‘’You must forgive yourself for the lads death. It isn't your fault. You were doing your job for Queen and country. You didn’t lift him into the path of the bullet. You didn’t do that evil thing. His father did. He is facing God's judgement. But Jamie, the lad is resting in the arms of Jesus.

Think about it, you kill men that hurt women and children. You keep trying to undo what happened to Saleem. You can’t. All you can do is forgive yourself. The stations of the cross and mass daily so you can start to atone for your grief and guilt. Most important, you need to forgive yourself.’’

‘’I dinna ken if I can. I have hurt so many. Claire and, oh God, so many people. Saleem.’’

Father Bane takes his trembling hands. ‘’Let’s ask the Almighty for His help.’’ He leads him in the sinner's prayer, admitting his sins, seeking forgiveness and redemption, seeking God’s daily, hourly, minutely, help in forgiving himself. Both are freely crying at the end, tears of relief and the start of peace.

‘’My son, whenever you feel Satan’s guilt creep in, remind him Who's child you are. Just whisper in your soul, ‘Father forgive me and help me forgive myself.’ It will be a struggle, maybe a lifelong one but, you have made a grand start. Mass and the Stations everyday, see me every other day.’’

‘’Thank ye.’’ He hugs him tight. 

He heads home and to the stables. He starts to muck them out, something he hadn’t done in years. Robbie joins him and they work together, talking and laughing. Laughing! Brian heard him as he walks up. A single tear runs out of his eye. His son is home at last.


	19. Atonement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie finds forgiveness and peace. Will it be enough for him and Claire.

Jamie doesn’t speak to Claire until right before she is ready to head home to London. That Tuesday morning, Brian is ready to take Claire to the airport. He slips out of the way as Jamie nervously approaches her.

‘’Claire, please don’t leave mad.’’ He pleads with tear filled eyes.

‘’Jamie, I have to get back to work. I am not mad I am just given you room and space to finish. Ghost has to go.’’

He nods as he shuffles nervously back and forth. ‘’Do you forgive me? Will you sacrifice the man you first knew for the man I am right now?’’

‘’Jamie, finish and find me in London. I am not done with you, with us. You must finish. Please focus on getting rid of Ghost, then we will talk. I will text you when I get there.’’ She kisses his cheek, tasting the tears that are running down his face. She shed her own as she joined Brian for the trip to the airport.

Jamie continues treatment with Father Bane, daily walking the stations of the cross, masses, and deep therapy. He made some decisions. He will move out of London and back home to Scotland. He will live on family land, but not as a farmer. He can still run his publishing company, maybe even write a book or two himself.

He also rediscovered his love of horses. He found peace in their presence. As he rode through his land, as he mucked out the stables, he told the beasts about Saleem, about all the things he is leaving behind. About Claire. He prayed for the soul of Saleem, he prays for the future. He heals and finds Jamie again. Ghost never returns.  
Ned calls him three weeks after Claire returned to London.

‘’Jamie lad, all is well. John Grey has been disbarred, Sandy has moved to the States to be with family, after dropping any claim to the Randall estate. Miss Beauchamp is safe.’’

‘’Thank God and thank you Ned. Does Claire know?’’

‘’Yes, I told her this morning.’’

Claire had text him on her arrival in London. They still text a couple times a day but, it is all polite small talk. To polite. He fears she doesn’t love him anymore. He spoke to Father Bane about it and he confessed that Claire had spoken to him and made it clear that Jamie had to rid himself of Ghost without her help.

Father Bane calls him into his office, eight weeks after Claire's return. It is just after early mass.

‘’James, I absolve you of all your sins. You have completed penance and therapy. God has removed Ghost and it is only His son, James who is left. I would still like to see you at mass every Sunday and, as you know, my door is always open.’’ He gets very serious and, in flowing Latin, continues after crossing himself a move Jamie copies, ‘’My child, James Fraser, may our Lord and God, Christ Jesus, by the mercy of His love absolve thee from sins, and I, Father Bane, His unworthy priest, in virtue of the authority committed to me, absolve thee and declare thee absolved of thy sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.’’ He crosses himself again. Jamie freely weeps, finally and completely free of Ghost, at peace. The guilt is gone.

Jamie hugs Father Bane. ‘’Thank you Father!’’ he chokes out.

‘’Jamie, you are very welcome. I, more then anyone else know that you had to get rid of it.’’ They hug tight and Jamie heads back home. He knows his next step. He starts by hugging his family tight.

‘’I will have the croft ready when you return son.’’ Ellen says.

‘’Mam, it will be a month. I must try to get Claire back.

‘’Jamie, my lad, have faith. She loves you.’’ He hugs his family tight again before starting the long drive to London.


	20. Where It Wasn't Supposed To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it ends. WillClaire forgive? Will he find the peace and love he deserves?

He walks into his dark flat. It has been months and will be his home for the next few weeks. He has to shut down his life here. He has to try to make things right with Claire. He hears a strange sound, a movement in his bedroom. There should be no one there. He frowns and reaches for the kilt knife keep under the dining room table. Placing the knife behind his back, he walks towards the closed door. He opens it slowly and what he sees in the dim light has the knife falling out of his nerveless fingers. The chatter it makes is the only sound for several heartbeats.

‘’Welcome home Jamie.’’ She says from the center of his bed, wear she lays in naught but a white lace teddy.

‘’Claire, what are you doing here?’’ he speaks slowly, measuring each word, fearing he was seeing things.

‘’Jenny told me you would be home today. I wished to surprise you.’’

‘’You did.’’ She stands and starts walking towards him. 

‘’I forgive you. I love you, and I do accept the man you have become. I will never leave you. You were honest with me, never hurt me, you opened up and showed me why Ghost was there. Then you got rid of him.’’ She had reached him and kissed him. 

‘’Claire, you really love me, really forgive me?’’

‘’Yes, there are two of us now.’’

He returns her kiss with deep passion. She returns it with equal fervor. Their love making would be no gentle, tender thing. He jerks her teddy off as she rips his shirt off. His shoes are kicked off and rebound off the wall. His pants join them. Naked, they land on the bed where he suckles her like he is starved. He is, three months is a long time. Her nails scratch down his back as his name and various profane words flow out of her.

‘’Need you. God Jamie, I need you.’’ He meets her shimmering eyes as he takes himself in hand and enters her with a thrust that has her arching half way off the bed. One deep move that caught the opening of her womb, and she is clinching around him. ‘’Oh God yes!’’

He would echo that had he the breath. She was perfection, home, love, peace. She is all he never knew he needed. She is his future. She is forever.

Later that night, as they cuddled close together, he tells her, ‘’ You know I was always safe at all times?’’

‘’Yes, I was tested after finding out how you used to deal with… All was negative I was then started on the pill. We are still safe.’’ She kisses his chest.

‘’Tis’ good as I didn’t even think. Seeing you, knowing you forgave me.’’

‘’Make love to me Jamie.’’ He does in a tender way that leaves them both in tears.

Over the next two weeks, Jamie shuts down his London office and packs both of their homes up. Her uncle is moving to Edinburgh and she agrees to move to Scotland with him. They move into the croft on his families land. Six months later they are married by a beaming Father Bane. Her Uncle Lamb places her hand in his. His brothers stand up with him.   
After their honeymoon, she uses Frank's money to open a NHS clinic in the tiny village outside of Lallybroch. Jamie works on publishing books and even writes a few about a hitman. They are best sellers and help him keep Ghost at bay.

Two years later, Jamie stands in a hospital room cradling his brand new son. Brian Saleem Bane Fraser, looks up at his daddy with his mam’s whisky brown eyes framed by his daddy's red hair. ‘’I will tell you why you have the name Saleem, one day son. But know you are named after three strong, great men.’’

His life is happy. He has found love and happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be.

The End.


End file.
